Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
