I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
