I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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