Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize