you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
