First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
