I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
