Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Randomize
