Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
