My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
