She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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