woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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