Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
