I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
