omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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