Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize