Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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