he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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