I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize