She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
