Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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