You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
