Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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