im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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