well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
