That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
