Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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