She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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