I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize