i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
