WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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