Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
