just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
