Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
