The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
