I can tuck mytits in my pants
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
