My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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