he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize