i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
