I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
