there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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