I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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