i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
