I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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