When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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