After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
