I'm lost and stupid without you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
