Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
