i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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