i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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