My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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