I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize