I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
