She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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