weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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