My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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