I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
