i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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