Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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