Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
