Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
