I'm lost and stupid without you.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
