just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
