Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
