just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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