We're like a lot better than the average bears
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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